Softening the Self
A month ago, I moved into my new home in a new town. The first two days, I was as happy as could be. The view, the nature, the color I painted on the walls; I felt overjoyed. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have found this place.
On the third day, I felt tired and overwhelmed. Not strange, after a big move. But something else came up that surprised me: fear. I went into a spiral of panic without understanding why. The next day, the feeling was still there. So I asked myself: what exactly am I so afraid of? As I did, memories surfaced of the first time I moved to a new town to live on my own. I don’t remember being scared then, but I was now. It was unfelt fear from the past. I was seventeen again.
This week, while happily unpacking, I came across a book titled ‘Breaking Patterns’. I had bought it five years ago, when I was doing ‘Schema Therapy’. In short, it teaches you to recognize how you respond to present situations based on patterns formed as a child and how to reparent that inner child. It helped. It brought compassion for myself as a child and, from there, understanding of who I had become. In my experience it was a tough and very rational approach. I was breaking myself into pieces and I felt little support to build something new afterwards. I felt left to my own devices. But I didn’t have any. Yet.
This same week, I learned about Samskaras. Impressions. Imprints. Conditioning that, over time, become the patterns that run you automatically. Sounds familiar?
But Yoga adds another layer: these patterns don’t just live in the mind, where modern psychology lives as well, they also live in the way your body responds. It is not only the thought that comes up every time in the same situation, it is also your belly tightening, your breath shortening, your jaw tensing. The Samskaras determine the way your nervous system reacts.
Somehow, the approach to these patterns feels different. There’s no breaking. We become aware. We soften. We loosen. We allow the pattern to arise and practice responding differently. It’s a practice. It takes time. The old imprints are slowly replaced by new ones. And maybe, eventually, we’ll remember we are neither the pattern, nor the response.
Instead of being tough on unhelpful patterns, what if we were gentle? Could it be that being tough on your former self only perpetuates that toughness? Isn’t that just repeating the same pattern? Wouldn’t it be truly different if we were gentle?
The more I learn, the more I am amazed by how so much of Western psychology seems rooted in older Eastern systems. For me, both serve a purpose. The Western side helped me see and break the patterns. Yoga is helping me build new ones; slowly and gently, with love and acceptance. The fear of seventeen-year-old me was allowed to be there fully and then, gently, it faded.
I look at the book ‘Breaking Patterns’ It served its purpose. It does not spark joy. Its new purpose is the recycling bin.
Yoga is not about self-improvement, it’s about self-acceptance.
– Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa
Esther is a writer, creator, and yogi from Amsterdam. She is a student and Karma Yogi at Studio 108 and does her best to be kind, gentle, and to laugh whenever she stumbles.
