The leaves are falling from the trees. I can’t speak for the trees, but they don’t seem to mind at all. They just let go. It’s fall, so they’re falling. Naturally. Every fall I wish I were as good as the trees at letting go.
The last few years, I’ve let go a lot. The first time l did I was so terrified and sad, even though deep in my heart I knew it was for the better. The relationship had already changed, but I was clinging to the idea of how it used to be. When I finally got honest with myself, I knew what to do – but the safety of sameness felt so nice that I went through a whole lot of pain and sorrow before I could just. Let. Go. It felt like trying to pull off my own arm. Yet afterwards I felt lighter, clearer. I had listened to my heart instead of my mind.
This month I finally found a home outside of the city, which I’ve wanted for years. It seemed like a miracle. It felt exactly right and I was full of joy – until the mind came knocking.
‘You’re moving? Are you sure? You don’t know what it’ll be like there. Sure, your current place isn’t great, but you learned to handle it. You don’t know what’s going to happen over there, in that nice apartment at the lake that you’ve wanted for so long. Maybe think about it some more, huh? Maybe doubt a little? Get some fear going?
Every time I change, it still brings fear, pain and the urge to hold on, but each time I learn a little more that it will be okay. I don’t dare to say it will be better always, though mostly it has been. But through practice, I’m a little less afraid. I do have to be very, very aware. When I’m tired and I lose that awareness for one minute – okay, maybe a day – I will automatically choose the known and comfortable over the unknown and uncomfortable. It just sneaks back in. In a way, it just wants me to be safe.
Still, it keeps amazing me how the mind is so unbelievably attached to what’s familiar – to people, to ideas, to thoughts – even the ones not working for you. Why do we hold on to capitalism, possessions, countries, wars? Maybe it’s because we just cannot see the alternative. No matter how hard John Lennon tried to help us imagine. I guess a known hurt is safer than an unknown joy.
Maybe that’s why death scares us. It’s the ultimate unknown. Maybe it’s wonderful.
Not for the ones left behind, but for the one dying? Who knows? And we do know life. Even though life can be very though, I can’t imagine what death would be like. So I don’t want it. I’m afraid. Could it be that feeling is what keeps us alive?
Nature doesn’t seem afraid of death. Last week, I photographed the fallen leaves. They seemed at peace with their decay. They didn’t judge the process. I try to connect with nature to ease my own fear of change, of death, of letting go. And I have been practicing a lot of yoga as well, so yes, my mind has learned that the only constant is change and to practice this ‘trust’ thing. But knowing it in your mind is one thing, feeling it in your heart is another. I do however trust, without a doubt, there will be new leaves come spring.
In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself
— Deepak Chopra
Esther is a writer, creator, and yogi from Amsterdam. She is a student and Karma Yogi at Studio 108 and does her best to be kind, gentle, and to laugh whenever she stumbles.
